My Open Letter to Girls

I’ve been single for a year. No big deal, really; I know a lot of people have been single for that long or even longer. But since my efforts have led me back to square one every single time, I’ve decided to write an open letter that lists my criteria for a potential girlfriend.

This way, if I meet a girl, I don’t have to waste several months paying for her meals and gifts just to discover that she’s not worth my time, or vice versa. In fact, perhaps I could use this letter as sort-of a job description.

And if you meet the minimum requirements, you can feel free to apply.

Is this shameless? You bet your ass it is. Is Jimmy Elias sitting home and saying to himself, “Dave Berry is a funny, stupid mother fucker.” You bet your ass he is. Is Bill Buchanan off somewhere drinking a beer and saying to himself, “Dave Berry is my fuckin’ hero.” You bet your ass he is.

Am I dumb enough to believe that this will help me cut through the girls with low self-esteem and a drinking problem, just to find my one true love? Absolutely not. But here it goes anyway.


Why is this number one? Because it’s the most important, obviously. A few flawed personality traits can always be overlooked in lieu of a beautiful smile; that’s just the way it is.

 Typically, I find myself most attracted to petite, cute brunettes with glowing smiles. Or Bridget Moynahan. But if you’re not her, that’s okay! A girl with a strong, but understated sense of style is a plus. I guess that would be elicited through seeing her be comfortable in her own skin.

And speaking of skin, I tend to find girls with a darker complexion to be extremely sexy. Or atleast a complexion darker than mine, because I’m the polar opposite.

And then the obvious. Whenever someone asks me if I’m a ‘tits guy’ or an ‘ass guy,’ I tell them that I’m a guy and thankfully God was gracious enough so that I didn’t have to choose one or the other. If you look good, I’m sure a cup that’s half-full won’t be much of an issue.


I want a girl with a sense of humor that isn’t limited to laughing at stupid jokes or YouTube videos. Someone who can really keep up with me, talk shit and give and take a good-natured ribbing once and a while.

Maybe ambition doesn’t fall under personality, but I’d say it carries over. I’m not demanding a girl who wants to be some corporate juggernaut, but I want a girl who’s passionate about something, devotes her time and talents to doing it, and constantly strives to be better at what she does and who she is.

Ask any guy and he’ll tell you, ironically, that a girl who has something other than him to pay attention to, is incredibly appealing.

Finally, mild-mannered but not afraid to speak up. Gentle in her words and mannerisms but not a pushover.


There is no bigger red flag than a girl who has a crazy and/or fat mother. Guys know that if your mom is either of those, the odds of you becoming that later in life are too good and ultimately, very bad for us.

And finally, perhaps the strongest quality a girl could offer to me is her belief in me. No matter how unfounded, there is nothing more empowering and appealing than a girl who believes you’re capable of achieving great things and sees in you the promise of potential that even you can’t see.

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