Return of the Rant 1

I’ve been on this ‘dating blog’ kick for so long now that, as a reader, you might have forgotten that I once used this website as a vehicle to vent my frustrations in vicious fashion. In my heyday, I took aim at everyone from Miami ‘bros’ (for their faux hawks, fake accents and pointy black shoes) to soccer moms (for allowing our world to have minivans and for purchasing Woman’s Day magazine). I did it with gusto, too.

And now, at the behest of a friend and out of my own self-righteous obligation to tell an objective truth, I return to the foray this evening to take aim at a few new subjects. First on the list? The checklist people on Facebook.

Now I don’t know each of you personally, but I imagine that you have a few basic qualities. 1. You’re a human. 2. You live on earth. 3. You wake up every day. 4. You do things. Am I more or less on the right track? Good. Because what comes next is important.

If you met the previous four criteria, then that means you are not obligated to share every item that you checked off on your to do list during the day via a Facebook status update. And that’s great news for anyone who felt like they had to!

Because that has to be the only plausible explanation for listing something as unimpressive as ‘went to the DMV to register my car’ on my newsfeed. You obviously left with the impression, somewhere along the line, that you were required to share this information in order to validate it. Right? Because wanting credit for something that would otherwise result in having your driver’s license suspended couldn’t possibly be worthy of boasting.

Other things you’re not required to share? Things like ‘taking a chemistry test,’ which is required in order to pass the class that you paid for in order to gain an education. Telling us you got an ‘A’ on that test can also be left off your status update because, again, doing well in school is what you’re supposed to do in order to ‘graduate.’ Same with ‘went to work,’ which is how citizens in nations across the world earn something called ‘income.’

Are we doing okay so far?

Good. Let’s continue by adding to this list anything about grocery shopping, cleaning your apartment or going to the gym.

Grocery shopping – as the abundance of food within the store might indicate, there are indeed many other people looking to partake in a daily event we collectively identify as ‘eating’ in order to ingest ‘nutrients.’ Therefore, partaking in this shopping experience to gain food is considered ‘normal’ and ‘evolutionarily significant,’ meaning that all kinds of creatures – some who don’t even have fully functioning brains – also partake in ‘eating.’

Cleaning your apartment. Maintaining a state of cleanliness and order within your living quarters is a great indication that you don’t hate yourself and that you know what it means to ‘live somewhere.’ So if you’re maintaining a state of cleanliness? That’s good. That means you do ‘live somewhere.’

And finally, going to the gym. Rather than tell you why you shouldn’t post anything about going to the gym, let’s evaluate a few circumstances when you should post about going to the gym.

1. If all other gyms in the world got burned down and you’re in the last one. 2. If one of your exercises is the miracle of human flight. 3. If someone died there.

Outside of those three circumstances, it’s safe to say that while you were at the gym, exercise took place in some way, shape or form.

*Deep sigh* Okay, I feel better already! Do you? Great. I knew you would.

Now go post this on Facebook.

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