We’re down to the wire for New Year’s resolutions! As you saw in my most recent blog, there are some popular ones – many involve health, love and money and improving the state of those are all admirable ambitions for the upcoming year. But as a New Year lays in wake, I also get a kick out of making predictions for the upcoming year that involve other people, or people in general. For example, in each of the past three years, I’ve predicted that Lindsay Lohan would die of a drug overdose, but lo and behold, LiLo has more or less held it together – at least by Lohan standards.
As you can see, not all predictions are accurate or lined with good intentions. But that’s only because bad things happen in the world and I take my self-assigned duty of predicting them very seriously. With that said, here are my 14 predictions for 2014.
1. Kim Kardashian goes to jail. But not before Kanye West does – in late April, he makes headlines for hitting Kim with an open hand while producing another self-absorbed album. Kim forgives him, then brandishes a firearm after his next outburst, landing her in jail for a week before she agrees to a plea bargain, or some kind of reduced sentence, or whatever it is that lets celebrities off the hook. And despite our best wishes, the Kardashian circus actually gets bigger as a result of it. In a lesser-known story, Kim’s lawyers send a cease-and-desist letter to me after #adventureswithkim takes off on Tumblr and I finally get my 15 minutes of fame. And Kanye gets Kim pregnant again, two weeks after they file for divorce.
2. Radio Shack goes out of business. I seriously can’t believe it’s still open. There’s no way people are buying that many remote control cars and HDMI cables.
3. Snapchat sells to Facebook – for $500 million. After turning down a preposterous $3 billion offer in 2013, Snapchat struggles to keep its fickle core audience of young teenagers, who graduated to Instagram. Facebook laughs at them, offers a heavily reduced amount for the struggling network, and Snapchat gratefully accepts.
4. The Indiana Pacers beat the Miami Heat in 7 games to win the Eastern Conference Finals. LeBron James suffers a severe ankle sprain in a series that the Heat are leading 2-1, and Chris Bosh leads the way with some stirring moments, only to have Paul George drop 45 in Game 7 to sink the Heat, leaving the Heat faithful – justifiably – saying it’ll be different in the final year of Lebron’s contract.
5. Smart Watches are stupid. They come out with a bang among tech-nerd early adopters, then flutter into oblivion because smart phones remain superior, technologically, and easier to use.
6. Another politician destroys his career with a dick pic. Because men are idiots and politicians are idiots, and when you’re both, it’s a recipe for disaster. And it’ll be by someone you’re not expecting, like Chris Christie.
7. You won’t lose weight. Don’t get me wrong; you will probably lose 4 pounds simply because you’re no longer holiday binge eating. And you might get on the treadmill by way of your new gym membership for about three weeks. But after that, you’ll gain it all back and settle into mediocrity. It’s okay, though, because real beauty is on the inside!
8. Your favorite NFL team surprises you. Are you expecting them to play really well in 2014? Are you expecting them to play really poorly in 2014? You won’t be right. The Lions could very well end up in the Super Bowl and the Seahawks could be one Russell Wilson torn ACL away from the top of the 2015 draft class. None of it ever makes sense. And your fantasy team will follow the same pathway to mediocrity as a result.
9. Lindsay Lohan dies of a drug overdose. I’m not giving up on this one. I know it’s terrible to predict, but what’s worse – me observing her destructive reality, or her creating it? And it’ll happen just when our hope for her is at an all-time high, like immediately after the studios green-light a sequel to Mean Girls. (Side Note: If that really happens, I hope I’m wrong and that Lindsay Lohan lives forever.)
10. Your favorite TV show’s favorite character will die. I’ve never seen Game of Thrones, Sons of Anarchy, Breaking Bad or whatever show out there is the ‘must-see’ of the moment, but it seems like the most popular way of making a popular TV show these days is to build up a conflicted main character and then kill them off when it’s least expected. Nucky Thompson, you’ve been warned.
11. Beyonce continues to mesmerize 100% of women and 100% of gay men. And I still won’t understand it. But I recognize that it will do me no good to question it.
12. E! becomes the #1 news network in the U.S. Because the major news networks are doing more entertainment and pop culture news reporting than anything, and since E! has been doing it longer, they turn heads by unexpectedly taking the top spot from CNN in September 2014.
13. James Franco & Seth Rogan retire as movie actors. Instead, they make a new career on YouTube by spoofing celebrities who take themselves too seriously, then monetize the system by circumventing the big production houses and going directly to their audience. And we love it.
14. Morgan Freeman dies. Just kidding – he’ll actually live to be 94. But some fake news site with a ‘.blogspot.com’ URL will kill him, and 10 or 11 other celebrities, and you’ll post it on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram without fact-checking your sources. In between all of those events, ‘Brad Pitt’ will write another love note to ‘Angelina Jolie’ and you’ll fawn over it even though that’s not real either.
What are your predictions for 2014? And which of mine do you think will actually come true?