By David Berry: Valentine’s Day is five days away. And like all good lovers, I too will be celebrating the day as the Romans did in the 3rd century A.D. – by executing two men named Valentine in the time-tested tradition of Emperor Claudius II.
Wait, that’s not what this is all about? Bravo, Russell Stover, bravo. I had no clue.
Jokes aside, we all know that Valentine’s Day isn’t for slaughtering people, but we know that it is a commercial holiday that puts guys in an awkward position where they’re obligated to buy dumb shit for their significant others. In all, there are (generally) three types of people when it comes to Valentine’s Day.
1. The ones who take it too seriously. Valentine’s Day is the Super Bowl. Months and months of training culminate on this arbitrary holiday, which is celebrated with CVS chocolates, discount jewelry, dinner at TGIFriday’s and some cheap ass, made in China stuffed animal as a parting gift. And this. Stuff. Matters. Love is on the line, people! Now let’s drop a Hefe filter on this shit and get some likes on the ‘gram.
2. The lonely ones. Admittedly, going into Valentine’s Day without a significant other, or even a prospect, can feel disheartening. Because you know that everyone else is at least having a warm meal with someone they care about and they’re likely going to end the night by pounding each other’s flesh parts. Meanwhile, you’ll be home with a spoon jammed into a pint of Americone Dream while you binge on episodes of Workaholics (season 7 just started, you’re welcome).
3. The couples who know it matters, but not that much. You won’t find these people waiting for a table at Komodo because they know the restaurant won’t be busy on another random Tuesday, so like adults, they’ll just wait. Instead, they’ll stay in, exchange a simple gift and make dinner and…actually, they’ll be eating Americone Dream and watching Workaholics too. Are you reading this, Jessi, girlfriend of mine?
Now you know who the “usual suspects” are on Valentine’s Day. Good, great. You’re doing so well. And now, here’s my unsolicited advice for each of them, to maximize the love and joy of this momentous, incredibly meaningful holiday.
1. The ones who take it too seriously. I’ve gotta be honest, I feel like it doesn’t take a lot of imagination to picture you in a mess of a break-up six weeks from now. But let’s assume for a second that you just love feeling the love, cliches be damned. That’s cool. If you’re going to truly enjoy the holiday, make sure there’s something about it that isn’t generic. Frame a picture of the two of you. Write them a nice, handwritten card. Send them nudes. Be original.
2. The lonely ones. Honestly, eating Americone Dream and watching Workaholics is the best advice you’re gonna get. But if the loneliness hits you a little harder than you’d like to admit, round up a bunch of friends and go pound some beers.
3. The couples who know it matters, but not that much. You can still go low key and treat it like any other day, but don’t blow off Valentine’s Day entirely. The ideas from above are a great fit for you too – a framed picture of the two of you, a nice card, and yes, nudes. Always nudes.
And of course, Happy Valentine’s Day.