Guy Reverse-Objectifies His Wife to Appear Like an Honorable Feminist, Guy You’re Friends With on Facebook Slaughters Him


By David Berry: A few days ago, two or three girls who just got jobs at Buzzfeed after graduating with 3.1 GPAs from a state school with “great frats,” got together for lunch in the company kitchen to “make Internet.”

One of them, kissy-faced Morgan Murrell, said something like “Okay, seriously this is giving me life. The #goodvibes are literally everywhere. Have you even seen this guy and his viral post about his wife and her curves? Lortttttt hallelujah, plus that TedTalk! My ovaries are aching.” And they were like “nooooo, show us!” and then she clicked open the Instagram app and thumbed to the post that got her “you can bring this Victoria’s Secret coupon in for a free item!” panties in a saturated knot.

And then they were like “OMG, yasss kween, preach!” and she went on to write an inane article called People Are Applauding This Man For Celebrating His Wife’s Curves On The Internet.

And then one of them read the first draft and was like “OMG, post this, betch.” And then she ran the article and I can’t even. In case you missed it, here’s the article header.

 

So what’s this all about? Homeboy got over 200,000 reactions and 31,000 likes for this pseudo-feminist drivel, and it brought up a few thoughts.

1. If kale could turn into a website, it would be Buzzfeed.
2. We’re supposed to admire farm arms here because he plows a normal woman on the reg? What is he, a Nobel winner?
3. This guy is a participation medal incarnate.
4. I’m not crying, you’re crying? No. No one is crying. This guy sucks. Buzzfeed sucks too.

This article is blowing up. Dr. Douche Canoe made it Good Morning America. And his wife isn’t much of a rock star either – she’s a “body positive fashion blogger,” which is apparently the only form of swimsuit-wearing, “I always need external validation” social media behavior that society is deeming inoffensive these days.

The people who are loving this article are the same ones who are crushed that Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are getting a divorce, because the only apparent ambition for real love and a successful relationship is neatly tucked away in a 600 x 600 image with a hefe filter.

This shower pocket loves his normal-bodied wife? Good for him and the twine-binder followers of his “don’t look at the camera so we look important” lifestyle shots that dot his Instagram page.

I was in a fraternity, and I’ve seen this exact same message uttered in a drunken chapter meeting, except it was “bro, I’m definitely down to bone fat chicks.” The only difference is there were no cameras and “ew my hair looks awful in that one, do it again” pictures to go with it.

Machete-hacked-haircut feminists are crushing him for “mansplaining” his love for his wife via physical-only adjectives, and the lack of imagination it takes to piss them off makes me wish I didn’t agree with them.

“This gorgeous girl I married fills out every inch of her jeans and is still the most beautiful one in the room…” is the caption he used on another picture. He knows the premise of buying clothes that fit your body is the right way to shop, right? Her body is supposed to fill her jeans, unless she’s headed to the stage to pick up her Emmy Award for “Best Performance for Poorest Fit in the Women’s Section at Macy’s,” in which case, joke’s on me.

Another of his posts said “A real woman is not a porn star or a bikini mannequin or a movie star. She’s real. She has beautiful stretch marks on her hips and cute little dimples on her booty.”

Wow, what a sample size for comparison. Porn stars and movie stars, for starters, are paid actors playing scripted parts, so that’s like saying “grass isn’t an apple tree.” Duh. We know they aren’t real women. And a bikini mannequin? Well that one isn’t even close – that’s literally molded fiberglass and plastic.

So if your wife’s authenticity got boiled down to A) Not being a paid actor and B) Not being a piece of molded fiberglass and plastic, then C) Go back to Morgan Murrell so you can help her write another article called “My Wife Thinks Stuff And Does Other Stuff Too.”

I’m out.

-DB

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