Things That Are Already on My Nerves in 2018 1


By David Berry: If you’re on the other side of your laptop with an attitude like mine, scrolling through your Facebook Newsfeed saying “let these assholes eat their Tide Pods so natural selection can finish its job,” then you’re going to find a few treats in this post.

I’m not pissed off, but I’ve got a lot on my mind. Let’s call it a surplus of off-beat opinions that don’t have an outlet in my professional life or when I’m walking the sidewalks and cheering on my dog while she takes a shit.
Tide Pods.Children of school age that need to be told not to eat laundry detergent aren’t worth saving. In fact, an irony of the pro-life movement is that they already know that some people aren’t worth saving, which is why they’re such big fans of the death penalty. Let’s be clear – Tide Pods are a much cheaper alternative to the tax payer burden of long-term imprisonment and death by lethal injection. So if your 8-year-old can’t keep his mud-covered mitts off the Tide Pods, let him have it. The tax payers will thank you in the long run. Trickle down economics does work after all!

Coal Jobs. We get it. Coal is cheap. Coal is less harmful today than many forms of modern energy. But coal is not a long term solution. Yet and still, Trump is all proud of himself for bringing back those jobs. Awesome. If there’s a guy with a 1986 John Deere tractor on his inherited plot of land who wants back in the coal mines, let him in. Not because it’s good for his health, but because it’ll be a sweet irony when his insurance claims for cancer treatment are rejected by the same government that gave them that sweet-ass job in the first place. Should’ve let the Mexicans do it!
Aziz Ansari is Not a Rapist. I read the Babe.net article (side note, if you’d told me two days ago that Babe.net wasn’t a porn site, I’d have been more surprised). The woman in question – Grace – went to great lengths to document her obvious attempts to fuck a celebrity, and how she somehow had oral sex performed on her against her will. Call me crass or insensitive, but how exactly does a man give a woman oral sex against her will? I digress. Aziz Ansari clearly came off as an ass hat in this whole exchange, but that hardly qualifies him as a rapist. And holy shit, if ‘Grace’ was having such a terrible time, yet kept following him around the apartment, then she’s either not a victim, or Aziz Ansari lives inside the inescapable board game Mouse Trap, in which case, I’ll happily issue an apology.

Men shouldn’t be pigs. Men shouldn’t rape anyone. But one of those things is not like the other. Real feminists already know that. But any fourth wave feminist’s attempt to destroy the patriarchy through flatout lies and fabrications hasn’t a clue what she thinks she’s fighting for.

And someone should serve her a Tide Pod.

 


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