A Free, 5 Minute Vacation in My Brain


I see you over there, and I can smell your mid-afternoon complacency from here. There you are, seated idly behind your office’s standard-issue Lenovo ThinkPad thinking to yourself “I wish David Berry would write a blog about what he’s been up to/thinks about the Nike protests, and wouldn’t it be nice if he gave me a solid 5 minutes away from refreshing my Instagram feed.”

Well, as a self-proclaimed man of the people, an influencer of culture and a paragon of wisdom, I’ve decided that you shan’t wait any longer for my luminous thoughts. In no particular order…

The Nike protests are the best evidence that it’s fucking great to be an American. Colin Kaepernick, who hasn’t played football in two years, has once again pissed people off because he used to kneel during the “paid-for-and-sponsored-by-the-US ARMY” national anthem. This started up (again) while I was on the other side of the world, in Thailand, where children sell their bodies for sex like it’s a bag of Skittles, and their parents call “home” a city of tents under major expressways. I could hardly wait to create a status update about how much I cared! Anyway, this is about as ‘snowflake’ a protest as I can think of in recent memory, and it’s a manufactured one at that. If we were really anti-Nike, our moral compass would’ve looked at child labor oppression, but admittedly, that’s harder to fit in a hashtag. Ugh, it’s so hard to protest these days! By the way, Colin Kaepernick has been on the Nike roster the entire time he’s been protesting, but that also hasn’t stopped the complaints, which invariably come from simpletons in quasi-suburban enclaves with fridges packed with lite beer. Hey, I’m not judging! I’m just saying you don’t know what the fuck you’re complaining about. But I get it, you’re a voice for the troops that get sent into war for oil reclamation projects with no exit strategy, then get sent home with a shitty plan for their care when they return with PTSD. Land of the free, home of the brave, baby!

The Catholic rape church. The above graphic is a Google Trends chart that shows there’s 1 search of ‘catholic church’ for every 4 there are of ‘colin kaepernick.’ Now I’m not saying the average American is a racist, but if brown people were running the Catholic church right now, a Hail Mary would be as legal in this country as Sharia Law. The only fathomable way an organization can commit thousands upon thousands of rapes so brazenly, in front of a population that reacts with a collective “meh,” is if that same population’s alleged moral compass only moves when there are black people involved. That, or the church is actively trying to set the Guinness World Record for rape.

It’s clear that the only way to get the general public to give a shit is to appoint Colin Kaepernick as a bishop. Then we’ll see a boycott of the church like they were peddling Nikes instead of 8 year olds.

Serena Williams was wrong. Before you think I’m on some Liberal ranting crusade-which I was-I want you to know I can see things from both sides too. And after Serena Williams went off on an official at the U.S. Open and then made it about race and gender oppression, I was kind of like “ehhh, is that really the time you want to play this card?” Some officials let things slide, others don’t. This one put their foot down. Serena was out of line. But if you want a reason that Liberals are born losers, it’s because they’ll turn this moment into an oppression-focused rallying cry for their cause. The president’s cabinet is filled with or associated with 30+ people who’ve been indicted in the Russia investigation. Instead of whining about Serena Williams, how about you go find a candidate or two to run for president to beat the president you allege to hate so much.

I’m out!

 

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