1. He likely outweighs you by 100 pounds, but he can run faster than you, punch harder than you, and last longer than you - and if he can’t he’ll still beat your ass.
Which credit card says “it’s everywhere you want to be?” I think it was Visa, but who cares. Regardless, I can assure you that in Miami, Visa isn’t everywhere you want to be - but vagina is. It doesn’t matter if you’re a great looking guy with tons of money waiting at the door of a trendy club with average looking girls - her vagina is getting in that door before you and your credit card do.
And you know what? That ain’t right! I watched in awe this past Saturday at the door of a club as NFL linebackers disguised as women toted their fugly friends inside while I sat and patiently waited my turn. All so that I’d have the privilege of paying a $15 cover charge to walk through the door.
I really am a comedian. Not because I’m funny, but because I’ve realized lately just how complicated and ironic I am. And in my limited understanding of the “comic mind,” I think mine fits the description quite closely.
Today, Donte Stallworth, a wide receiver for the Cleveland Browns, was sentenced to 1 month in jail after pleading guilty to DUI manslaughter in Miami Beach. Or should I put this another way - Donte Stallworth ran over and killed a guy with his car while he was driving drunk on his way home from the club. Prision sentence? 30 days.
In 7 days, I will officially graduate with a Master’s of Business Administration degree, an achievement 18 months in the making. On its face, I suppose that can be viewed as a signficant accomplishment, especially since I’m still just 24. Not to mention that a Master’s degree, while more and more common, is still relatively rare when compared to the general population, and a gem when compared to the world population.
I read today that Susan Boyle was admitted to a hospital because she was suffering from exhaustion. I know I’m not a doctor, nor am I privy to any extensive medical knowledge, but to the best of my knowledge, exhaustion basically means being really tired. The same way that freezing is just another way of saying “really cold.” Right?
I know, it sounds like an outlandish thing to say. No 24-year-old girls in a city like Miami? But what I actually mean is that there are no 24-year-old girls for me in Miami. The females that I meet are either perpetually 21 (by nature of my job) or 28 and above. The 21-year-olds that I meet are precocious enough, yet not quite prepared to leave college behind (or move out of their parents’ house). The 28-year-olds that I meet are probably only interested in me because I represent the loads of potential that they squandered away on a quarter-life crisis filled with booze and regret-filled sexual escapades. They don’t actually want me; they just want to identify with me.
*Shout out to my friend Tanya for the idea on this one*
I only wish I had been able to type this whole blog without my hands, just so that I could feel super important like the rest of you pretentious losers with hands free cell phone devices. Before I go on my tirade about this, let me first say that these devices have but one purpose - to help citizens abide by the law when they’re driving and talking. Outside of those situations, this device should not be used under any circumstance. In fact, since it’s supposed to be used in the car, it should never leave the car.
Kirstie Alley gains 80 + pounds, only to go ahead and decide to lose it, again, and she gets a cover story in People Magazine. Ron Artest goes into the stands and attacks paying fans at an NBA game, only to come back and find himself within three games of the Western Conference Finals, cheered as the leader of the Houston Rockets. Ricky Williams fails drug test after drug test, gets suspended from the NFL and decides to clean up his act only after realizing that being a pot head isn’t the most lucrative career path.
I sent out a Facebook message yesterday requesting new blog ideas while announcing the return of http://www.iamdavidberry.com. The first response was from my good friend, Kate. Her message read: