Do you ever pause and ask yourself, “Self, what the hell are you doing with your life?” Well I sure do.  That’s because I suffer from “never content, always insecure, constantly searching for more” syndrome. Hence, I’m always wondering if I make enough money, if I’m charming or sincere enough, if my baldness really isn’t a big deal, and if the girls I like have Jungle Fever.  Things like that.  All in all, I’m insecure. 

I wasn’t always like this.  Oddly enough, though, as I started to gain more possessions, and a higher level of education and income, my confidence has decreased proportionately.  I guess when you’re broke and eating Spaghettio’s, you don’t have a choice but to be confident.  That’s your only chip.  But once you start to attain material things, you start to place your self-worth in those things. 

So what do I do, now that I feel like I don’t measure up?  I withdraw from most people, then overburden the rest of them.  I talk a lot and I don’t listen well. So I tell jokes and interrupt any conversation before it gets too serious by saying “that’s what she said” or…uhh….”that’s what she said.”

I’m uncomfortable with silence because when I’m without wit or words, I fear that the other person will find me inadequate.  That in silence, me being me won’t be enough to keep someone’s interest.  Sometimes, I don’t want to be the talker.  Or the friend who entertains.  But I keep talking because if I don’t, I feel like all eyes are piercing through me for not being able to entertain.  Which gives me way more credit than I deserve.  But as you can tell, insecurity’s favorite home is in arrogance.  One of life’s greatest ironies, I suppose.

And rather than do the work necessary to improve myself from the inside out, I just stay busy with the types of things that will make it look like I have it all together.  The logic being that, if I’m constantly moving, then there’s no time to worry about anything else.  If you’re constantly surrounded by people, how could you possibly be lonely?  Still don’t have an answer for that one.

Sympathy isn’t necessary here, though.  Sympathy is deserved by the people who don’t have the opportunities and network of people that I do.  I am loved.  I am cared for.  I’m just an arrogant pain in the ass who would rather tell you about himself than listen to you.  And not because my priority lies in me.  It’s because I’m not comfortable returning the vulnerability necessary to be the friend that some people are willing to be to me.

You can only change your circumstances so many times before you realize the only thing that needs changing is you.