Today’s order of business is to discuss pet peeves. One of mine is automated voices that are used to help you navigate the call menus on 1-800 numbers.Case in point - about three weeks ago, I had my debit card stolen. I called the 1-800 number and was greeted by the recorded voice of a woman who wanted me to ‘speak my selections’ instead of type them in the old fashioned way.

Bank of America isn’t the only company to do this. Everyone’s doing it now, but it’s completely retarded. Is the pleasant sounding voice supposed to somehow make me forget that I’m still not talking to a real person? Is this really supposed to make me believe that I’m having a better customer service experience? No, absolutely not. But if they want to play this game of make believe, then I’m all for it.

If you want me to believe you’re a person, then you’re getting the full range of emotions and words that I’d use with a real person. And I could care less if it’s outside of the range of the five words you’re programmed to understand.

First off, they always have a chipper attitude, even when I’m clearly pissed off. Show a little sympathy, will you? I just got my debit card stolen, dick head. I’m clearly upset and I know you can hear it in my voice. If you can’t use more of a comforting tone of voice, then you deserve to have your ass chewed out for not doing a better job of handling my complaint.

And yes, this means that I yell at machines that are not designed to understand more than three words at a time. Sue me. Here’s how my conversation went.

AUTO VOICE: “If you’re calling about your checking account, please press one. If you’re calling about your Bank of America Credit Card, please press two. If…”
ME: “Representative.”

AUTO VOICE: “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand your selection. If you’re calling about your checking account, please press one. If you’re…”
ME: “I said ‘representative,’ stupid ass.

AUTO VOICE: “You’re calling about your Bank of America Credit Card. Is that correct?”
ME: “Seriously? Does ‘REPRESENTATIVE’ sound anything like ‘checking account’ or ‘credit card’? ”

AUTO VOICE: “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand your selection. Please hold while I connect you to a representative.”

See what happened here? They don’t listen; they just keep repeating their question. And when they can’t resolve it, they just give up and let someone else handle it. Oh thanks, automated call person. Way to show off your work ethic.

Of course, in the midst of all of this, I look like an ass because I’m yelling and taunting a computer. Not even a real person. If someone were to witness this display, they’d think I was incredibly rude - only to learn that I was actually yelling at an audio recording. In which case, they’d just think I was a total dumbass. Which I am.