davidberry


2
By David Berry: Las Vegas doesn’t need your thoughts today. Las Vegas doesn’t need your prayers. And frankly, God himself is probably at his wit’s end with you dimwitted ass-hats who send prayers out of one side of your mouth, and then say that there’s nothing to be done about it out of the other. You want to know when thoughts and prayers were acceptable? When this bullshit, lone-wolf shooter’s mentality was a statistical anomaly; when the 1999 Columbine shootings […]

God Has Had It With Your Gun Prayers


I’m ditching an introduction today. If you’re offended by NFL players kneeling during the national anthem as an act of silent protest of police brutality against black people in the United States, then I can only assume: A) You’re a racist. This is the – surprisingly – only defensible argument. That you’re an unapologetic, call-it-like-I-see-it racist. Black people bother you, you think Lil Uzi Vert is a cultural abomination (actually, you wouldn’t be wrong on that one), […]

3 Dumbasses Who Are Offended by NFL Anthem Protests


By David Berry: This week, the KKK, white supremacists and Robert E. Lee have dominated the headlines of every news publication in the United States. Grand Wizards are being quoted in mass media, and no, there isn’t another Harry Potter movie coming to theaters next week, you dreamers.   Can we be real about this for a minute? Let’s not pretend because a half-black guy was president that we were naive enough to think we lived in a […]

Statues, White Supremacy & Wizard Games



By David Berry: A few days ago, two or three girls who just got jobs at Buzzfeed after graduating with 3.1 GPAs from a state school with “great frats,” got together for lunch in the company kitchen to “make Internet.” One of them, kissy-faced Morgan Murrell, said something like “Okay, seriously this is giving me life. The #goodvibes are literally everywhere. Have you even seen this guy and his viral post about his wife and her curves? Lortttttt hallelujah, plus that TedTalk! My ovaries […]

Guy Reverse-Objectifies His Wife to Appear Like an Honorable Feminist, ...


By David Berry: I don’t remember exactly when, but in the late 90s I saw some of my first boxing matches. In an instant, my undying love for the sport was born. One of the first boxers I ever saw was Roy Jones Jr., who was and is the most impressive fighter I’ve ever seen – and yes, that includes Ali and Floyd Mayweather. He was the perfect combination of speed, power, bravado and tenacity. Unrivaled athleticism. He often […]

When You Suck at What You Love


1
By David Berry: To even come up with a list of “3 things you need to give up to have a dope relationship,” you have to actually be in a relationship. A year ago, I wouldn’t have been in a position to even pretend to write an article like that from my own perspective. But, I’m thankful to say I am now; I’m closing in on a year with a spectacular woman. But before that, […]

3 Things You Need to Give Up to Have a ...



My girlfriend and I recently moved in together. (And you, too, can get the girl of your dreams immediately upon releasing a dating book! How’s that for one of my life lessons?) As expected with a move of this magnitude, some things in my life have changed. My living room is newly redecorated and I miraculously have 14 throw pillows. I have a bar! And I also inherited a 12 pound shitzu named Chloe. Now, […]

3 Life Lessons from My Girlfriend’s 12-Pound Shitzu, Chloe


For as long as I can remember, I have had the same recurring dream, though admittedly, it’s been closer to two years since I last had it. And since dreams don’t come with built-in movie titles and soundtracks, I’ve got to come up with those on my own. So let’s call the dream “The House Within the House.” Three to four times per year, my dreams took me to this house within a house, which […]

My Recurring, Imaginative Dream


“Add an ‘I’ to it,” Kevin said to me, Jim and Dan. We looked at him with confusion. We were in the upper youth room at Westside Baptist Church surrounded by all the other teenaged boys in our high school youth group. The girls were in a separate room that day. It was day one of the “Love, Sex and Dating” Sunday School series, which we’d been looking to with great anticipation for weeks in […]

I Love Sex & Dating



By David Berry: Translating rap songs is going to be my side creative outlet while I work on my second book, which is in need of a new name. Until then, and to celebrate Kanye’s 40th birthday…enjoy. Ball so hard muh’fuckas wanna fine me (I flaunt my wealth so aggressively that those whom it displeases desire to garnish my wages) But first niggas gotta find me (However, in order to do so, they must locate me) What’s […]

I Translated “N***s in Paris” by Kanye West & Jay-Z ...