ToDave in News

ToDave in News

By David Berry: If you’re a fan of some wordplay, you’ll love today’s – I mean, toDave’s – post. It’s packed with some hot news, or rather, my interpretation of the news. It’s a new thing I’m trying for 2018, much in the way today’s college kids experiment with underage drinking and having a good ole’ fashioned knee slapper with the neo-Nazis.

Sex Robots. Let’s dive right in. I don’t know where you fall on a scale of 1-to-Jeffrey Dahmer in terms of abhorrent behavior, but if you’ve got thousands of dollars laying around and your Tomagtochi isn’t cutting it on Fellatio Friday, you’re gonna love these new sex robots! They’re made of silicone, they’re life-like, and they have the same passion for sex as Mitch McConnell’s wife does with him. Most come with the standard three holes, and dishwasher safe removable parts – think of it as a Kitchen-Aid juicer for your penis. Some of them even talk, which, come to think of it, is probably a deterrent for most of its would-be shoppers, but hey, different sex robots for different folks, as the saying goes!

The New England Patriots. It’s the eve of the Super Bowl, and we’ve all lost. Again. When ISIS shows recruiting videos, they probably show thousands of Tom Brady’s. He’s the adult version of the talented upper-class white kid in high school who lacked any real athletic skills but got by on crude efficiency and the intensity of gym class weirdos like Tyler Hansbrough. Everyone knows the guy would get mauled in every physical test in the league, except the handful of things he manages to do with maddening perfection. He showed up to NFL draft workouts looking like this, for heaven’s sake, and he is the best football player on earth at the age of 39. Tom Brady is the kind of guy who watches himself having sex, and he’s probably obnoxiously efficient at that too. The Patriots are going to win, Philadelphia will remain loser city USA, and there’s nothing we can do about it.Post-Partum Abortion. Frankly, I’ve been pro-choice for a long-time, but on this one, I think I’m ahead of my time. Some might call “post-partum abortion” just a fancy term for “murder,” and well, exactly. Why am I okay with it? We have teenagers eating Tide Pods. On Instagram, I saw a post that said “If you robbed a bank and the amount of money was your social security number, how much money would you have?” Dozens of people responded. Then there’s Sarah Huckabee Sanders in a position of power, which should seal the deal for you if I haven’t already proven my point – humanity is irreparably screwed. Why are we waiting until these people procreate or damage the earth further? We need to be done with them. If post-partum abortion is a term that offends you, then let’s just call it the “pre-emptive death penalty.” Because if these are the people we’re leaving behind to shape our world, than I have no interest in preserving it.

In which case, waiter, serve me up a basket of Tide Pods.

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