What defines a man’s talent? I still don’t have the answer to that, but translating rap songs into commonly understood English could in fact be the definition for some.
Google tells me that the hottest song in the land right now is Old Town Road by Lil Nas X. It’s like the musical equivalent of inviting your white friend to the family BBQ but you’re acting overly polite and making it awkward. Also, Lil Nas X is a stupid rap name, and also, this kid has been making music for like 9 days, and went off and made the top trending song in history. The nerve of this man child .
Anyway, without further ado, here is my translation of his song. The original lyrics are in standard format; mine are in bold and italic. Enjoy.
Yeah, I’m gonna take my horse to the old town road (Kinda straightforward here, if I’m being honest. I’m a guy, and this horse I’ve got is gonna get me to this road that I wrote a whole song about)
I’m gonna ride ’til I can’t no more (If I get tired, that’s probably when I’ll stop riding, even though the horse is the one doing all the work, which I admittedly don’t discuss in the song).
I’m gonna take my horse to the old town road (Same thing as the first thing I said)
I’m gonna ride ’til I can’t no more (Kio, Kio) (Again, I’m repeating myself until it kinda sinks in to the brain. That’s kinda the thing with Country music. Now ‘Kio Kio’ isn’t actually a country slang thing. It’s a shoutout to thisDutch producer, YoungKio, who you rightly guessed is the producer of this simple ass song I wrote).
I got the horses in the back (Okay so I’m in possession of these horses, but in a literal sense, they’re in the back yard. Probably in a barn or whatever)
Horse tack is attached (A horse tack is pretty straightforward; it’s just another word for equipment like a saddle or stirrup, but ‘equipment’ doesn’t have the same ring to it)
Hat is matte black (The horse isn’t the only thing looking spiffy. Check out this man bonnet I’ve got up top)
Got the boots that’s black to match (And let’s bring that attention down to the boots adorning my feet. Looks the same, right? Cuz it is)
Ridin’ on a horse, ha (Kinda well established here – I’m riding a horse)
You can whip your Porsche(You fancy city folk can keep your German sports cars)
I been in the valley (Like I said, not too hard to make sense of)
You ain’t been up off that porch, now (Gosh, I wish my therapist were here, but…this is actually me calling out my lazy ass mom, who doesn’t do anything, at least not since I’ve been away)
Can’t nobody tell me nothin’ (But this whole music thing – incredibly – is working out well for me, so the words of naysayers won’t affect me)
You can’t tell me nothin’ (In case you missed it the first time)
Can’t nobody tell me nothin’ (You’re simple people, aren’t you? Repetition, repetition…)
You can’t tell me nothin’ (And 4th time’s a charm)
Ridin’ on a tractor (Okay, the horse is FINE, but this is a good time to clarify that the song is not linear in the narrative of its story. Just know that now, I’m on a tractor. Gas powered hog.)
Lean all in my bladder (Okay, not really something I should admit to so publicly, but I’m driving under the influence of heavy codeine cough syrup while operating heavy machinery)
Cheated on my baby (Anddd while you’re considering that, let’s see if you’ll even notice that I was sexually deviant and engaged in coitus with someone who isn’t my girlfriend)
You can go and ask her (Ahh hell, it’s not really a secret. She’ll tell ya)
My life is a movie(Not really related to the above, but I feel like my life was scripted for the big screen)
Bull ridin’ and boobies (You’re gonna find this line to be inaccurate in a literal sense, because I’m gay. But really I’m just trying to make you imagine McConaughey in Dallas Buyer’s Club; that kinda guy)
Cowboy hat from Gucci (Remember that matte black hat I told you about? Get a load of this – it’s made by that Italian designer, Gucci)
Wrangler on my booty (This cowboy butt of mine, looking like a pork roast set over an open fire? You can thank Wrangler denim jeans for that)
Can’t nobody tell me nothin’
You can’t tell me nothin’
Can’t nobody tell me nothin’
You can’t tell me nothin’(By and large, if you were looking for one recurring theme in this song I wrote, it’s that I kinda don’t give a shit what you think)
Yeah, I’m gonna take my horse to the old town road (I mean, you can complain if that’s what suits you, but I’m pulling that horse back around front and we’re riding up to that road I’ve been vague about)
I’m gonna ride ’til I can’t no more (At least until I get tired of it)
I’m gonna take my horse to the old town road (But again, I’m still gonna go)
I’m gonna ride ’til I can’t no more (By God I’m exhausted)