My dearly beloved, I ask you — nay, I beg you — to forgive me for having left you without my anger-induced diatribes as of late. Clearly, there’s been a lot on everyone’s plate with COVID and whatnot, so I can assure you that it’s not you, it’s me. But it’s also not not you, because you could’ve reached out and told me you cared enough to see another blog.
Yes, both of you reading this — my mom and that guy from Bangalore.
Anyway, as society makes great strides to being more evolved, accepting and inclusive, there have been a lotttt of people (and things and organizations) that have been ‘canceled.’ As a verb, when something is canceled, that means it was taking place, and no longer is.
Canceling is designated for people who A) Are white, B) Are the patriarchy, C) Aren’t Taylor Swift, D) Don’t tweet things to prove they are woke, or E) All of the above.
I am canceled because I am several of the above, but I am not permitted to cancel myself for the same reasons.
But, in a rapidly evolving society that’s more offended by language than actual inequality or injustice, ‘canceled’ actually means ‘a white super-liberal decided this is bad.’ So far so good? Good. Great.
Because if you’ve had trouble keeping up with all of the cancelations, you’re not alone. That’s why I’ve put together this completely, totally official list of things that have been canceled so that you know what you’re now required to be offended by.
The NFL: The NFL franchise formerly known as the Washington Redskins has been canceled, and is now the Washington Football team, which is undoubtedly less offensive than Redskins, but still not as offensive as the roster they fielded in 2020. A strong step forward, but hardly enough. We have also canceled the Buccaneers (celebrates pirating and pillaging of unsuspecting groups), the Chiefs (who are also appropriating the culture of Native Americans), the Raiders (because you shouldn’t raid other people’s things), the Bears (because they’re scary) and the Bills (because the economy is down and no one can afford to pay them). The Saints have also been canceled because the name is pro-religion, and also anti-other religions. Oh, and the 49ers are canceled because the team’s name celebrates the gold rush, which is a microcosm of the ails of unfettered capitalism. Lastly, Tom Brady isn’t subject to canceling even though he’s an unapologetic Trump supporter, because he’s handsome and has a supermodel wife and wins.
The MLB: Actually, this is fine, no one watches baseball.
The NBA: Incredibly, most of these names are pretty safe. But the logo, featuring the ethnically-neutral silhouette of a white Jerry West, is canceled. According to Kyrie Irving, it should be replaced by Kobe Bryant, who used to be canceled because of rape charges, but because he went on to win more titles and then died tragically, was uncanceled, and should be the new logo.
Celebrities: Justin Timberlake has been retroactively canceled for making a factual song and music video about Britney Spears cheating on him, and because Britney Spears is now a sympathetic figure.
Taylor Swift, who has made an entire career out of doing the same thing, is not canceled. Anyone who has called out this discrepancy and is a man has also been canceled.
Martha Stewart was jailed for insider trading, a major symbol of patriarchal behavior, but is not canceled, because she is a woman, and not the patriarchy. Her co-host of Martha & Snoop’s Potluck Dinner Party, Snoop Dogg, is not canceled. This is because after he dodged a murder charge and made a career out of mysogynistic music, he made a cooking show with a woman who is appealing to other women.
Women can also be canceled, but they cannot be canceled for behavior that duplicates the behavior of the patriarchy. One such example is running capitalist organizations that pay sub-optimal wages, but were previously run by men, and is totally fine.
Women can only be canceled if they are mean to other women (Ellen DeGeneres), anti-trans (J.K. Rowling) or pretending to be Spanish (Hilaria Baldwin). Or…
Is Demi Lovato, who has insulted Ariana Grande, Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga and more. She is not canceled, even though she is mean to other women, because she battles drug addiction, serving as a reminder that only women can insult women, but if they are white and do drugs, cannot be canceled.
Body Image: Obesity is an epidemic in America, costing the U.S. $147 billion in 2008 dollars, not to mention that it begets a host of significant health issues. But if you are obese, and someone says so, they are canceled. Fat men are fat. Fat women are curvy. If you disagree, you are canceled.
If you are a woman and you decide that you want to lose weight, you will be canceled for not being body positive (Lizzo, Adele).
Cartoons: Paw Patrol is canceled because it glorifies the job of a police officer. Police officers are also canceled because they are the patriarchy, except when you need the police, and they are uncanceled.
Race: You are canceled if you say something racist, or if you don’t say something racist but do say something to defend white people. If you are actively anti-racist through physical acts or donations but don’t tweet about it to the gratification of neo-liberal white people, you are canceled.
If you are an ethnic minority and neo-liberal white people are offended by language used to define your group, but you aren’t offended by that same language, you are also canceled.
Automobiles: The Jeep Cherokee has been canceled because it is offensive to Native Americans. The Ford Mustang falsely appropriates a horse, when it is in fact not a horse, and thus, is also canceled. The Chevrolet Avalanche is also canceled, because Avalanches are dangerous.
Loo, that’s all the time I have for today. But if you didn’t see your name or classification on here, just to be safe — you’re canceled too.